Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
When you know you feel ...
We are only 11 days into 2014 (which I know will be the best and most successful year for everyone) and I have experienced the ups and downs in so many emotional ways. In these 11 days I have decided to step away from the bakery that I have put 8 years or my life, talent and love into because the stress, the fighting and the emotional roller coaster got to be too much finally. I woke up - I had an epiphany (a 100 really...)
Some people can not change or are not willing too.... and like I have proven - some can. I realized I don't need that extreme negativity daily in my life. The past is gone and there is only the now.
I came to LA to do something really big - inspirational, entertaining and most importantly educational - for myself and others. So I pray the creator has something lined up ..and quick!
I got a script put in my lap last week - a character I could totally play and nail it! but the director needs a bit more money and so I'm thinking he should do a kick starter. He also thought his author friend could use my talents to illustrate a children's book (which I would love to do!) but the author had already hired someone. With all the art programs I have and all the drawing I have been inspired to do lately I think that would be a great way to pay the rent ;)
The people in my life are pretty amazing and definitely a variety of types of people from all walks of life! I always have someone to talk too when I need it and space for me when I need it too.
I actually put together a full on business proposal and did the training to host a theme night and plan on sending that in (after I get a proof read of course - gotta be perfect!) I have an idea of what I want to do for work now along with the chocolate bar company ... I just need to let my surroundings know I mean it - I mean I really can do anything I put my mind too - and if I'm really behind something - I do my very best. So fingers crossed!
Lessons are being learned everyday - when to try and help - when not too....
Energy is a powerful thing.
There truly is beauty in everyone - just give them a chance - they will surprise you!
Got a cupcake class to teach tomorrow - looking for other places to host that at as well - excited to teach again - it's been a few weeks. After that watching playoffs I guess (yes, I am getting into sports! the games themselves have so many different aspects - it's kinda cool)
Ubuntu Bitches!! :) lol - seriously Human-Kindness - learn it, live it.
Love,
The Governor :)
0
Some people can not change or are not willing too.... and like I have proven - some can. I realized I don't need that extreme negativity daily in my life. The past is gone and there is only the now.
I came to LA to do something really big - inspirational, entertaining and most importantly educational - for myself and others. So I pray the creator has something lined up ..and quick!
I got a script put in my lap last week - a character I could totally play and nail it! but the director needs a bit more money and so I'm thinking he should do a kick starter. He also thought his author friend could use my talents to illustrate a children's book (which I would love to do!) but the author had already hired someone. With all the art programs I have and all the drawing I have been inspired to do lately I think that would be a great way to pay the rent ;)
The people in my life are pretty amazing and definitely a variety of types of people from all walks of life! I always have someone to talk too when I need it and space for me when I need it too.
I actually put together a full on business proposal and did the training to host a theme night and plan on sending that in (after I get a proof read of course - gotta be perfect!) I have an idea of what I want to do for work now along with the chocolate bar company ... I just need to let my surroundings know I mean it - I mean I really can do anything I put my mind too - and if I'm really behind something - I do my very best. So fingers crossed!
Lessons are being learned everyday - when to try and help - when not too....
Energy is a powerful thing.
There truly is beauty in everyone - just give them a chance - they will surprise you!
Got a cupcake class to teach tomorrow - looking for other places to host that at as well - excited to teach again - it's been a few weeks. After that watching playoffs I guess (yes, I am getting into sports! the games themselves have so many different aspects - it's kinda cool)
Ubuntu Bitches!! :) lol - seriously Human-Kindness - learn it, live it.
Love,
The Governor :)
0
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Make it in your own. Do something new new.
Post Edit - I can do it .... no need for help. Ubuntu though is always accepted. :)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Unexpected Closure. 13 years later.
To all of my friends this is an important read. It is the closure to that night i was attacked... it opened a spacer in my heart that had been burdened with darkness and hate for 13 years... I hope this inspires you.
him:
Conversation started Sunday
11/24/13 10:13am
I must tell you I am a little mind blown to be receiving a friend request from you after all these years. I am not sure how to respond to it either. We are not friends. I have moved forward from the events that took place way back when. I am afraid that seeing your face on my news feed would be a little more than a constant reminder of a me that I don't remember. I was a punk, an asshole, a kid trying to find his way. I caused a lot of destruction and heartache while blazing my own path to become the man that I am today. The aftermath too - which I own.
I believe that I owe you a long overdue apology and with that being said I am truly so very sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for putting you through everything that you had to endure do to my malicious and inconceivable actions. I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and I pray that she rests in peace.
I can remember sitting in my house and the breaking news coming on covering our story the "hate crime". I need you to know something, and I know that after all of these years that this may be hard for you to accept as the truth but you need to know it.
None of the events that took place that evening were due to your sexual orientation. In all actuality the events that took place that evening were all over me getting fired from the Tom Thumb down the road from the coffee shop you were working at. I don't know if you know this or not but about a week prior to our incident you had come into the Tom Thumb to buy a few cans of whipped cream. You had 5 cans and only enough money for 4 so I gave you the 5th one for free. This resulted in me getting fired. Tom Thumb management told me that after our transaction took place that you had gone and to them and reported the incident. I was fired on the spot.
High insight was that I was 17 bagging groceries and I should have just walked away, but the result was an extremely pissed off teenager.
I had actually forgotten all about that evenings events until one of my "friends" and I walked into the coffee shop that night. I had no idea that you worked there but you needing to buy the whipped cream then made sense. Seeing you instantly rekindled that anger. When I approached the counter I waited to see your reaction when you saw my face. Hoping that you would recognize me from the Tom Thumb that you had gotten me fired from.
You didn't.
( Then and there I should have put 2 & 2 together. You didn't get me fired from Tom Thumb. They had caught me on security camera and used you as a scape goat to fire me. )
When it became clear that you didn't recognize me I decided to lure you out to unleash my anger on you. That's why I invited you to the party. It was never to be your friend. I felt that it was my responsibility to teach you a lesson. (Foolish...)
When we came back that evening to meet up with you after your shift it was over it was already pre determined that I would fight you. There were more people in that parking lot than what you saw that night. There was only one of us that actually knew you were gay that evening one of our mutual friends was hiding in the back of my car watching. One of our mutual gay friends none the less who I will not name.
My "friend" Daniel scratched the word fag into your car before we left the coffee shop the first time before coming back, and I know that this is hard to believe but not to actually slander your sexual orientation. No one at this point knew your sexual orientation nor did anyone care.
Now this is where things get complicated.
In the news reports and in the police report you had told everyone that we had beaten you because you were gay. Not true. You had also told them that we had hit you repeatedly and slammed your head into the side of your car. Also not true. The dent in your car didn't come from your head. The dent came from Daniel smashing a pumpkin into your car at the same time he keyed "fag" into your car. We had actually been "pumpkin smashing" in the hours prior to running into you. You were actually only hit one time. Daniel kicked you in the ribs after you had fallen, and only once before we had realized how bad you were hurt.
I did hit you extremely hard. We had never seen anything like it.
You were obviously very hurt. I was terrified of what I had done so we did what a bunch of weak punks would do.
We ran...
If I had to do it all over again oh how things would be different. Again I am sorry. I know you may not believe any of what I am saying to be the truth. Our perception is our reality and that's fine but I thought that you should know. Me telling you all of this is not going to change anything at this point anyhow. I have nothing to gain or lose from any of this at this point anyhow. Hope all in your life has done nothing but gotten better from that point on. Truly........
Me:
11/27/13
E***, I was just as surprised to get a letter from you that quick or at all! I really appreciate your response and your candor.
I have seen your profile a few times over the years and thought about sending you a letter but as a very conscience person I always stopped. Why? Because I saw your pictures – and I saw that you had turned into what appeared to be an upstanding man with a cute family and who serves my country. I knew that if closure was ever gonna happen – it would when it was supposed to. Apparently that time is now.
I did feel a little angry at first seeing those pictures of you and all the good things happening in your life..- thinking - "he could have ended my life that night and he gets rewarded? did he ever think about what he did to me?" but hearing that voice in my head made me stop and it reminded me that I really didn't know what was going on in your mind - for ALL these years. But it was definitely an answer I always wanted and I knew I needed to hear your words to free my mind of the constant pain.
It seems that we both have a different view on what happened and there are some parts that honestly I don't remember because I was blacked out on the street for a bit and then somehow drove home.. in pain, fear and mostly confusion. And the other stuff I assume was so terrifying I just blocked it out. I do remember thinking, “I never did anything to them...why would they attack me? Must be because they thought or knew I was gay..” .
E***, I DID remember you when you came in –instantly I thought “oh! That very attractive guy that I had (what I thought was..) a moment with at the grocery store is here – play it cool.” In my head you were that "cute guy who was definitely flirting with me at the store – I mean he gave me a free whipped cream!" These were the thoughts going through my, at the time, still in the closet 17 year old mind. I mean I truly believed you, my ‘perfect guy type’ had come in about a week or so later because I had told you where I worked. Then when you invited me to a party...it was over. I thought you were asking me on my first date and I felt like, “wow, he is definitely into me!"
….OH, to look back at it now, knowing both the different sides to our story….it’s plain to see that OUR MINDS WERE IN POLAR OPPOSITE PLACES, drastically different emotional planes-me in this jovial, innocent, nervous ,giddy – love hungry world and you in the dark, hateful, angry and vengeful world that was about to explode.
FIRST OFF ... I laughed out loud when I read that “reason you got fired bit”.... like, come on - why would someone complain about getting something for free?!?! Unless they are a secret shopper paid by the company and they have to??... but you were young and - no offense - kinda dumb so maybe I could see why you believed your boss for like a minute or so…. but I guess we all were a little dumb and foolish back then.
To hit up on another one of your letters points I want to tell you about a really cool thing that happened the year before I moved out to Hollywood.
One evening my friends and I were all down at the Black Dog Bar like we were just about every night – playing pool and shooting darts... and of course drinking like true Texans. There was a lot of people there this one night and I remember talking to a bunch of them! I ended up hanging out with this group of 3 people just LAUGHING and DANCING and having a super FUN time… definitely an awesome Friday night in down town Fort Worth!
So we are getting a little toasted and at a certain point the girl who was there with her 2 guy friends was like, “what was your name again?” I had forgotten theirs at as well - so I said, “Kody.” One of the guys tilted his head slowly and looked at me closer… “Kody what?” he says. I reply “Cody Haines”
Both of the guys faces freeze.
“I’m Daniel…”
“I’m Alex…”
“We were part of that night…”
They both begin to cry. A lot.
When I realized who they were – I began to cry too.
The words “I’m sorry” (which they said a 1000 times each) was not as powerful as their faces and those genuine TEARS pouring out of their eyes representing the deepest sorrow and regret. I felt it.
We hugged it out – we all traded numbers – and we were friends…
I forgave them.
We hung out a few times after that. The beauty of it was all this anger and hate I thought I had pent up towards all 3 of you was slowly disappearing – there was only that one thing left. That one person – YOU. I kinda wish you had been there that night – we all could have felt that release – that glorious cosmic shift when a massive weight is stripped off your soul.
Honestly though, at that point, I doubt that I would have forgiven YOU.
Because I hated you the most. More than I had ever hated anyone or anything in my life. And E***... I don’t know if you would have cried for me….. WITH me… that night…I don’t know how you would have reacted ..
But I think that now, after have I read your words over and over to determine if you really truly meant them….
. I can say I do..
I do believe your words E***.. and I forgive you.
Your letter really touched me and I am so glad I was able to let all those thoughts and pain and hate TOTALLY lift off of me and I am Freed of it all. I pray my words will do the same for you.
And finally – I say why not add me? The people we are today would probably have a good time drinking and laughing and just being mature humans – and if you do add me and you happen to see my name pop up in your news feed think about this moment right now where we connected and got to let it all go. It’s a pretty awesome full circle ending to that chapter of our lives. A chapter we were both writing together in silence til today.
So there you go – thank you for your letter, best wishes to your family and thank you for serving our country – maybe I’ll see you all out in Hollywood some day? Til then… live in peace.
him:
Conversation started Sunday
11/24/13 10:13am
I must tell you I am a little mind blown to be receiving a friend request from you after all these years. I am not sure how to respond to it either. We are not friends. I have moved forward from the events that took place way back when. I am afraid that seeing your face on my news feed would be a little more than a constant reminder of a me that I don't remember. I was a punk, an asshole, a kid trying to find his way. I caused a lot of destruction and heartache while blazing my own path to become the man that I am today. The aftermath too - which I own.
I believe that I owe you a long overdue apology and with that being said I am truly so very sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for putting you through everything that you had to endure do to my malicious and inconceivable actions. I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and I pray that she rests in peace.
I can remember sitting in my house and the breaking news coming on covering our story the "hate crime". I need you to know something, and I know that after all of these years that this may be hard for you to accept as the truth but you need to know it.
None of the events that took place that evening were due to your sexual orientation. In all actuality the events that took place that evening were all over me getting fired from the Tom Thumb down the road from the coffee shop you were working at. I don't know if you know this or not but about a week prior to our incident you had come into the Tom Thumb to buy a few cans of whipped cream. You had 5 cans and only enough money for 4 so I gave you the 5th one for free. This resulted in me getting fired. Tom Thumb management told me that after our transaction took place that you had gone and to them and reported the incident. I was fired on the spot.
High insight was that I was 17 bagging groceries and I should have just walked away, but the result was an extremely pissed off teenager.
I had actually forgotten all about that evenings events until one of my "friends" and I walked into the coffee shop that night. I had no idea that you worked there but you needing to buy the whipped cream then made sense. Seeing you instantly rekindled that anger. When I approached the counter I waited to see your reaction when you saw my face. Hoping that you would recognize me from the Tom Thumb that you had gotten me fired from.
You didn't.
( Then and there I should have put 2 & 2 together. You didn't get me fired from Tom Thumb. They had caught me on security camera and used you as a scape goat to fire me. )
When it became clear that you didn't recognize me I decided to lure you out to unleash my anger on you. That's why I invited you to the party. It was never to be your friend. I felt that it was my responsibility to teach you a lesson. (Foolish...)
When we came back that evening to meet up with you after your shift it was over it was already pre determined that I would fight you. There were more people in that parking lot than what you saw that night. There was only one of us that actually knew you were gay that evening one of our mutual friends was hiding in the back of my car watching. One of our mutual gay friends none the less who I will not name.
My "friend" Daniel scratched the word fag into your car before we left the coffee shop the first time before coming back, and I know that this is hard to believe but not to actually slander your sexual orientation. No one at this point knew your sexual orientation nor did anyone care.
Now this is where things get complicated.
In the news reports and in the police report you had told everyone that we had beaten you because you were gay. Not true. You had also told them that we had hit you repeatedly and slammed your head into the side of your car. Also not true. The dent in your car didn't come from your head. The dent came from Daniel smashing a pumpkin into your car at the same time he keyed "fag" into your car. We had actually been "pumpkin smashing" in the hours prior to running into you. You were actually only hit one time. Daniel kicked you in the ribs after you had fallen, and only once before we had realized how bad you were hurt.
I did hit you extremely hard. We had never seen anything like it.
You were obviously very hurt. I was terrified of what I had done so we did what a bunch of weak punks would do.
We ran...
If I had to do it all over again oh how things would be different. Again I am sorry. I know you may not believe any of what I am saying to be the truth. Our perception is our reality and that's fine but I thought that you should know. Me telling you all of this is not going to change anything at this point anyhow. I have nothing to gain or lose from any of this at this point anyhow. Hope all in your life has done nothing but gotten better from that point on. Truly........
Me:
11/27/13
E***, I was just as surprised to get a letter from you that quick or at all! I really appreciate your response and your candor.
I have seen your profile a few times over the years and thought about sending you a letter but as a very conscience person I always stopped. Why? Because I saw your pictures – and I saw that you had turned into what appeared to be an upstanding man with a cute family and who serves my country. I knew that if closure was ever gonna happen – it would when it was supposed to. Apparently that time is now.
I did feel a little angry at first seeing those pictures of you and all the good things happening in your life..- thinking - "he could have ended my life that night and he gets rewarded? did he ever think about what he did to me?" but hearing that voice in my head made me stop and it reminded me that I really didn't know what was going on in your mind - for ALL these years. But it was definitely an answer I always wanted and I knew I needed to hear your words to free my mind of the constant pain.
It seems that we both have a different view on what happened and there are some parts that honestly I don't remember because I was blacked out on the street for a bit and then somehow drove home.. in pain, fear and mostly confusion. And the other stuff I assume was so terrifying I just blocked it out. I do remember thinking, “I never did anything to them...why would they attack me? Must be because they thought or knew I was gay..” .
E***, I DID remember you when you came in –instantly I thought “oh! That very attractive guy that I had (what I thought was..) a moment with at the grocery store is here – play it cool.” In my head you were that "cute guy who was definitely flirting with me at the store – I mean he gave me a free whipped cream!" These were the thoughts going through my, at the time, still in the closet 17 year old mind. I mean I truly believed you, my ‘perfect guy type’ had come in about a week or so later because I had told you where I worked. Then when you invited me to a party...it was over. I thought you were asking me on my first date and I felt like, “wow, he is definitely into me!"
….OH, to look back at it now, knowing both the different sides to our story….it’s plain to see that OUR MINDS WERE IN POLAR OPPOSITE PLACES, drastically different emotional planes-me in this jovial, innocent, nervous ,giddy – love hungry world and you in the dark, hateful, angry and vengeful world that was about to explode.
FIRST OFF ... I laughed out loud when I read that “reason you got fired bit”.... like, come on - why would someone complain about getting something for free?!?! Unless they are a secret shopper paid by the company and they have to??... but you were young and - no offense - kinda dumb so maybe I could see why you believed your boss for like a minute or so…. but I guess we all were a little dumb and foolish back then.
To hit up on another one of your letters points I want to tell you about a really cool thing that happened the year before I moved out to Hollywood.
One evening my friends and I were all down at the Black Dog Bar like we were just about every night – playing pool and shooting darts... and of course drinking like true Texans. There was a lot of people there this one night and I remember talking to a bunch of them! I ended up hanging out with this group of 3 people just LAUGHING and DANCING and having a super FUN time… definitely an awesome Friday night in down town Fort Worth!
So we are getting a little toasted and at a certain point the girl who was there with her 2 guy friends was like, “what was your name again?” I had forgotten theirs at as well - so I said, “Kody.” One of the guys tilted his head slowly and looked at me closer… “Kody what?” he says. I reply “Cody Haines”
Both of the guys faces freeze.
“I’m Daniel…”
“I’m Alex…”
“We were part of that night…”
They both begin to cry. A lot.
When I realized who they were – I began to cry too.
The words “I’m sorry” (which they said a 1000 times each) was not as powerful as their faces and those genuine TEARS pouring out of their eyes representing the deepest sorrow and regret. I felt it.
We hugged it out – we all traded numbers – and we were friends…
I forgave them.
We hung out a few times after that. The beauty of it was all this anger and hate I thought I had pent up towards all 3 of you was slowly disappearing – there was only that one thing left. That one person – YOU. I kinda wish you had been there that night – we all could have felt that release – that glorious cosmic shift when a massive weight is stripped off your soul.
Honestly though, at that point, I doubt that I would have forgiven YOU.
Because I hated you the most. More than I had ever hated anyone or anything in my life. And E***... I don’t know if you would have cried for me….. WITH me… that night…I don’t know how you would have reacted ..
But I think that now, after have I read your words over and over to determine if you really truly meant them….
. I can say I do..
I do believe your words E***.. and I forgive you.
Your letter really touched me and I am so glad I was able to let all those thoughts and pain and hate TOTALLY lift off of me and I am Freed of it all. I pray my words will do the same for you.
And finally – I say why not add me? The people we are today would probably have a good time drinking and laughing and just being mature humans – and if you do add me and you happen to see my name pop up in your news feed think about this moment right now where we connected and got to let it all go. It’s a pretty awesome full circle ending to that chapter of our lives. A chapter we were both writing together in silence til today.
So there you go – thank you for your letter, best wishes to your family and thank you for serving our country – maybe I’ll see you all out in Hollywood some day? Til then… live in peace.
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